Chapter Four
Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix.
Christina Baldwin
A month or so had passed, me still living in Everett not speaking to my mother. I had just arrived home from school and nobody was home yet. Possibly the best part of living here besides being close to my parents was that my dad let me have my own car. A bright red old fashioned Thunderbird. I got a speeding ticket in the first month because you push that peddle down and damn does it go fast. I was a pretentious teenager thinking that I was invincible so I drove 100 mph everywhere I went on the freeway. Damn it felt good, except my first speeding ticket.
I let Nick our bulldog out and threw the tennis ball around for a little while then came inside to start my homework. About halfway thru my phone rang. I didn’t answer it because it was a number I didn’t recognize and my mom pulls tricks like that, so I let it go to voicemail. It beeped seconds later and I listened to the message. “Hi Preston, this is Brandon from the coffee shop. Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you, but, eh, ya… I’ve been busy with work and school and everything. If you want to grab coffee or something let me know and just call me back. Anyway, hope you are having a good day!”
My stomach sank so low, butterflies in my stomach turned into a flock of screeching teradactles, my mind rushed like I was upside down and all the blood was rushing to my head and I could feel my face as red as a tomato. Yet, in the midst of all this I somehow felt a very calming feeling in it, a very accomplished feeling that he finally called me, like my path was in front of me and I could see it and something was urging me to move forward, no matter how much my body protested. I chalked it up to nerves and tried to calm down and call him back.
I thought in my head. One phone call and we’ll see where it goes. It doesn’t mean I’m gay, it just means I like this guy and coffee is hardly a date. Is it a date? Does he think I’m gay? Because I like girls… at least I think I do. I don’t know. Questions and a mix of emotions flooded my head and body. I was so lost in a whirlwind of thought that I closed my math book and just lied in my bead.
Time passed, it could have been five minutes, and it could have been a year. I didn’t know because I was zoned out staring blankly at the ceiling questions racking my brain. The only thing that broke my thought is when I heard a loud scratch and my bedroom door opened, followed by heavy panting and an adorable face of my bulldog with his two front legs up on my bed just staring at me as his long tongue fell out of the side of his mouth. What he wanted I don’t know. I’m usually good at reading people and better at reading animals but what he beckoned for came from within me. Call Brandon.
I picked up the phone and rang him back. “Hey, I was hoping to hear from you! Just not so soon.”
“Ya, well just doing some homework and didn’t hear my phone.” I lied, not knowing what to say. Was he interested in me as more than a friend or does he just want to be a friend? You would think after hanging around my gay best friend Michael I would know the ins and outs of the gay world by now. But, now being put to the test, for the first time in my life my mouth was dry of words. In fact I don’t know what he said after that and didn’t realize I didn’t say anything back until he spoke again.
“Preston? Are you there?”
“Oh, ya… sorry I had to finish this problem so I would be done.” I lied again. Breathe Preston. Just breathe. Stop being facetious and be yourself. “What did you say?”
“ Oh I just asked you how you were and how your day has been.”
I replied. “You know the same thing, sleeping thru classes, ditching one or two of them to grab coffee and home to do my homework. You?”
“Well that’s fun. Same with me just worked this morning and got home and got all the coffee flavor syrup out of my hair and clothes.” I giggled at his remark, every time we ask for flavor he has this bad habit of holding the cup the wrong way and the syrup pumps it out only to somehow splash out and get all over him.
“I didn’t see you there today”
“Oh I worked at the other store on 56th street. They are short an employee or two so I have been working there lately.” He said
“That makes sense, I was wondering why I never saw you anymore.”
“Stalker.” He replied laughing
“Yup, that’s me. I just live everyday to wait till you’re not looking so I can snip a piece of your hair it’s the only piece my shrine is missing.” We both laughed at that one.
“Anyway.” He said, pausing and sounding nervous which only made my nerves amplify. “How about coffee?”
“Just coffee?”
“Well let’s get coffee and talk and see where it goes. That okay?”
He had no idea I’ve never been out with a guy before. He had no idea he would be my first everything. The first time I’ve ever dressed to impress a guy. The first time I picked him up or had that awkward let’s get to know each other to see if we match, because god knows I’m attracted to him, so that base is covered, of course if he is attracted to me as well. If he wasn’t why would he call? “Ya, Brandon, coffee sounds great. Are you sure you’re not sick of it?”
“I’m sure I can stand one more cup in your company. Let’s go to Starbucks though; I don’t want to go to my work. That okay?”
“Sounds great!” I said enthusiastically, my emotions were becoming clearer. Maybe, just maybe this is a good thing, a learning possibility and maybe… just maybe I’ll like him. What does it matter if I like one guy? That doesn’t make me gay, just open minded. Still I wondered. “When?”
“You free tonight?” He asked
“Um… “I thought it over and my answer seemed simple. I liked risk, I liked adventure. Nerves were replaced by adrenaline and I immediately responded. “Perfect! What time?”
“I’ll pick you up at 7?”
“Oh, how about I meet you at your place and pick you up? I live in Everett now with my dad so it’s a little out of your way.”
“Ok” he said “I’ll text you my address, but I am driving, after all I’m the one that asked you out.” He said bringing my nerves back again. Yup. It was a date. Well, I thought to myself… Might as well jump into the deep end, after all I’m always in the mood for adventure. Plus nobody knows about this so if it doesn’t work out then I’ll just go back to dating girls, if you can call what I do with girls dating. It’s more like best friends hanging out. Oh god. I thought about it, it’s almost as if I’m their girlfriend. Jesus, maybe I am gay.
“Ok, see you later.”
“later.”
I still sat there on my bed. Zoned out. Thinking about all the possibilities, where this all came from and most of all why. I have never had to face this question before and it seemed dumb to even have to face it. So what I like a guy? It’s just one guy. It’s not like I’m checking out guys all the time, although I am noticing their clothes and make comments like “He dresses well” or “He could be a model.” God life is confusing, especially for a 17 year old.
I must have been really zoned out because I didn’t even hear my dad and Juliette come home. Only when she opened my door and said my name one or two times did I become perfectly alert.
“Hey there, how was school?” She asked in her soft seraphic voice, her long blonde hair falling angelically around her face
“Good” I’ve actually been meaning to talk to you and my dad about something.”Her face grew concerned and loving, as if any problem, even the one I was facing now, she was there to help me with. “Oh, it’s just a couple of college possibilities.” I said, easing her concern. Yet wanting to let loose all that I was thinking and talk to her about what was really on my mind
“What? That is great Preston. You are really applying yourself, your grades have risen and you seem so much more at peace this last month or two.”
“To be honest…” I lied there on my bed with her on the side running her fingers thru my hair softly. “It’s mostly because of you.”
“What do you mean?” She seemed confused
“Well you brought me into this home, gave a place to live and food, but most of all you gave me love, you gave me family… you made me feel like I was really your son.”
“Aw, babe” Tears welled up in her eyes making the sparkling blue sparkle all the more. “Can I tell you something in the strictest confidence?”
I sat up. “Of course.”
I have always wanted a son, my whole life and when I met your dad I saw my opportunity. I mean I barely knew you, Weston and Morgan. But, I saw my chance to have a son of my own with a man I loved. We tried for years and it just didn’t happen. I prayed and prayed and finally when you came to live with us I got my answer. Weston is too old and off on his mission, Morgan is in college and you… beautiful you.” She put her hand on my cheek and looked me directly in my eyes. She was serious, more than I’ve ever seen her. “I view you as my son, the one that I never got to have but by some miracle came into my life. I’ve watched you grow and watched us grow closer as a family and everyday you are here I realize more and more what a blessing you are.”
She had me on the verge of tears just like she was; they welled and sparkled at the bottom of her crystal blue eyes reflecting mine and my emotion. She then gathered herself and stood up. “Well? Come into the kitchen and tell your father and me what these college opportunities are!”
“Ok, I will. Just give me about five minutes to put my homework away.” With that she turned towards the door and I had to say one more thing. “Hey” I said as she turned her hand on the doorframe.
“Yes?”
“Thanks… mom.” It felt so right to say and the smile that swept across her face told me our connection was spiritual and runs deep. I loved her and I knew she loved me. Her eyes began to water again and this time they were going to spill out, but she turned and shut the door before I saw one single tear run down her cheek.
I walked into the kitchen and my dad was busy getting lasagna noodles out and the ingredients out. There was a 9 x12 baking pan and a small bread pan for my vegetarian lasagna.
“So,” he said. “You’re looking into colleges?”
“Well not exactly.” I said as he started lying noodles in his pan and breaking a few to make my small portion. “Hey, hold on. I can’t stay for dinner.”
“Aw why not?” Juliette said with her hand on my dad’s back. Married for so many years and they still showed affection like newlyweds. Still she looked hopeful. It’s been awhile since I’d driven downtown to see my friends or hang out. I mostly just hung around the house because it felt so good to spend time with them. At the same time she could have been hopeful because her and my dad finally would have some alone time. They take a day or two off work each week lately and pack up the place, boxes were everywhere in the condo and pieces of furniture were missing. They needed the time alone anyway, because soon we would be spending the entire weekend furniture-less and either sleeping on a mattress here or in our new house if the beds were set up. Then the weeks following making that house look like a home.
“Because. I have a date!” I exclaimed, not realizing that I actually decided it was a date without ever consciously deciding that it was one.
Juliette’s eyes lit up. “Really! That’s great! With whom?” My dad tended to stay out of my personal life but Juliette was all for it.
“Well…” I paused looking down, not knowing what to say. I couldn’t say Brandon because then that would be saying I’m gay and I’m not. I’m just going out with a guy. We could end up being just friends. So I thought of some lie that would be easy to remember and it slipped so easily off my tongue to the two people I hate lying to the most. “Um…her name is Britney.” The words stung me but seemed to bring my parents a little hope.
“How did you guys meet? What is she like?” Juliette said
“I’ll make your dinner anyway; you can re-heat it when you get home. What time will you be home?” My dad said, caught in between a personal conversation.
“At a coffee shop near my school, um… brown hair, darker skin, hazel eyes, really sweet. Very fit, you should see hi-… HER! In a V-neck…” I began to describe Brandon with that minor slip up, that thanks to them being so enamored with each other neither caught my Freudian slip. Unless they were like Michaels parents who said they knew he was gay since he was five and were just waiting for him to come to terms with it and tell them.
“Well she sounds amazing. I hope you have a good time.” Juliette seemed to show a little more interest either because she heard the beginnings of the word him or just because she described him more. “Doesn’t she Grant?” She nudged him as he was preparing the dish.
“Um… ya. Just be home by ten.”
“Dad!” Teenage Preston showed a little bit. “Ten is school nights. Tomorrow is Saturday? And if I’m home by ten that means I have to leave at like nine to get back here.”
“Ok, midnight.” He said with a slight nudge from Juliette.
“What time are you meeting her?” Juliette said.
“Seven, at a coffee shop.”
“Which coffee shop?” My dad asked, still protective of his little boy. He gave me a reasonable curfew. It was ten on weekdays and midnight on the weekends. It took forty five minutes to drive here from downtown and up some windy roads. He didn’t like me driving late or when the drunk drivers were on the road: His subtle way of letting me know that he loves me.
“Starbucks…” I checked my phone for a message from Brandon. “The one right downtown. Anyway I have to go get ready if I’m going to make it there by seven.” I turned and started to rush to my room to pick out an outfit.
“Wait, Preston!” Juliette beckoned me back. “What about your college stuff?”
“Oh, can we talk about it in the morning? I really have to shower and get ready.” I said hurrying out of the kitchen.
“Well, he must be really excited about this Britney girl.” I heard Juliette’s voice fade as I ran down the hall, for some reason… very excited.
I was driving to the address given to be by Brandon, pondering if I was wearing the right outfit. I went with all black, a black muscle tee, worn black jeans, and a nice watch that didn’t work because I don’t really like the concept of time, and finally my Doc Martins. I only use my cell phone for that, every other clock in my possession doesn’t work..
I felt like I looked pretty good, but the worrying only amplified my questions about whether I was nervous because I might like this guy and that may or may not make me gay, or because I am not gay and was making a huge mistake. I thought about it in my head and decided there was no way it could be a mistake because if you don’t try you may never know. If you don’t stop to smell the roses you’ll never know what their god-like scent. If you don’t put yourself out there the “one” might pass you by unnoticed. Anyway, what do I really have to lose?
I arrived at his place, saw the apartment number and thought about turning back. Those words still rang in my head “just try, just go… what have you got to lose.”
Out of my car, I walked up to his door and knocked. I waited with no answer, which was no help to my nerves. Soon enough he answered the door. He looked slightly disheveled and unprepared. Funny I thought I was the one that was unprepared for this.
“Hey! You look great! I just need a few more minutes to get ready. You don’t mind do you?” His hair still wet from his shower, I assume getting the sugary syrup out of it. I laughed a little in my mind thinking about how cute he looks when he is actually surprised when he pumps the flavor syrup and it squirts him, like it doesn’t happen every time.
“Of course.” I said, smirking, him having no idea why. He was cute; all I could do was smile.
“Here you can wait in my room.” He led me back and put on some music. “Ever heard of Rent?”
“No.” I said, feeling dumb for no reason.
“What?! You have to listen to this, I’ve got the CD too so we can listen to it on the way to the coffee shop and to dinner.”
“Dinner?”
“Ya, I figured you’re pretty cool. I don’t really need the coffee shop to know that I would like to get to know you more, I mean we text quite a bit today and talked on the phone so…” Little did he know I was getting ready the entire time. “Are you not hungry?”
“No, no I am.” Nervous. Nervous. Nervous. I felt like my heart was in my throat.
“Ok, I know this great Indian place that serves amazing curry.”
“Uh, is it vegetarian?”
“Oh no! You’re not one of THOSE are you?”
“Yup, since I was twelve.” I proudly responded, well, because I was proud, it’s been five years.
“Ha-ha, I was just kidding. Yes, they have vegetarian. Do you like curry?” He asked
“Never had it, you’ll love it! K, I’m going to finish getting ready. Soak this up, it’s the best.” He pushed play on his computer
He was gone for a few minutes and I didn’t really pay attention to the songs that were playing. I was just in awe of what was happening and how nervous I was, yet somehow so at ease with the whole thing… that is until what happened next.
Brandon came in the room, his hair done up in a slick black faux-hawk, dark faded wash jeans on and his amazing hazel eyes looking right at me as he asked me how the music was and I told him it was good, wanting to elaborate but he walked over to his closet and peeled his shirt off. Any other time this would have been nothing to me, sure I would have checked the guy out, but this time my heart started beating faster. I wish I could say it was nerves or that this is new to me, but to be honest I had no idea what this was or what I was feeling besides the need to kiss him right there and then. Now THAT was a new feeling.
His skin a nice dark tan, fading from the summer that was slowly ending. I noticed every detail, where his jeans hit him, every muscle in his back and I was overwhelmed a little. I can only say a little because as he turned that’s when it became a lot. He turned around and said “here, this is the best song.” As he walked toward me I couldn’t help but notice his flat smooth stomach and his pecs and shoulders, and the muscles in his arm flexed as he leaned over me to change the song on his computer. The scent of cologne and his shower swept over me, making my heart beat even faster.
I’ve seen guys in the locker room almost naked and sometimes they were naked, but none gave me the reaction like this. I looked at them and I thought, hmmm nice body, I wish I had that. But this, whatever it was left me wanting more as he clicked the song, which later I would learn to be “La Vie Boheme,” and walked back over to the closet, his back muscles flexing as he put his shirt over his head, black with some logo on it. “There.” He said. “Now we match.” We did match, but I was dressed in plain black like I was going to rob some place and going to get caught with my bright blonde hair and he looked like stepped out of a Diesel catalogue. He had impeccable fashion sense.
With that the tension in me released and apparently we were good to go as he shut off his computer and waved me towards his door. I got up off his bed and followed. Out the door. Lock the door. Walk down the steps. Everything was happening so fast I wanted time to think. He opened my door for me, which to me was unusual. I got in, he got in and he said “Ok so are you ready for your lessons on Rent?”
“Couldn’t be more ready.” I said, my voice wavering. His room was different, it was spacious and light, and here we were in the dark, confined. To say I was nervous would be a drastic understatement. I shook it and reassured myself. Be cool Preston, be cool.
At dinner I forgot the stigma that I had placed on the night easily. We talked and laughed. I smiled and looked at him when he wasn’t looking, thinking about his eyes and the way he couldn’t sing but sang along with every song of Rent on the way to the restaurant. He laughed at my comments about how odd the food looked and how both of our dishes looked like the same red mush.
“Does everything here look like mush?”
“Pretty much.” He said flashing a brilliant white smile that made my stomach sink a little bit.
Still the whole dinner/date thing went off without a hitch. It was natural. I was able to open up, tell stories and be funny. He was pretty funny too and made me feel easy. Little did he know this was my first… date with a guy, ever. The first time I looked a guy in the eyes and saw past them, the first time I felt something when I looked into his eyes and the feeling of comfort made me think and believe that giving this guy a chance, giving myself a chance to explore who I am was the right thing to do.
“So” he said as dinner was being wrapped up and we were waiting for the bill. “How was your curry?”
“Over all I decided that I like it.”
“Good I’m glad I got to introduce it to you”
“Well that and the fantastic music of Rent!” I teased. “Even though I could barely hear it, at least I heard all the lyrics from you.” He laughed
“Well,” he looked at his watch and back to me. “The night is still young, how about a movie?” He looked right at me and smiled, again sinking my stomach and bringing new feelings to light inside me. I wouldn’t say that I was falling for him and if I was it was the first time I fell for anyone because a girl has never given me this feeling. Maybe, just maybe I am gay, maybe not. At least with him it was clear cut. I did like him, I may be falling for him and it just may turn into something.
“Sure I said.” The bill came and he grabbed it and paid. I usually pay because I am the guy, eating dinner with a girl. But, what the hell tonight is a night of new experiences. The movie theatre made me a little nervous though. It would be dark; we would be side by side. Our minds would have time to race over the nights preceding events. I wondered what it would be like and if I was ready to actually take a step further and leave my mind. Would we hold hands? Am I ready for this? Oh well, like I said, a night of new experiences. Besides, I reminded myself, it is just this guy I like, if it doesn’t work out then I will just go back to how it was. Nobody will have to know. Not that they would care, but still I hate being labeled.
We headed to the movie theatre in this outdoor mall that is really popular called Skyline. It was about twenty minutes until the movie we wanted to see started, “The Italian Job.” We apparently chose that because Marky Mark was in it. Getting gayer by the minute I thought. We decided to go for a walk around the mall, which was now closing up, but still the walk was nice. It helped calm me before we went into a dark theatre together. It also gave me time to think. I thought back, I watch all the movies Brad Pitt is in, and make sure to see Jake Gyllenhalls movies and plenty of other male celebrities. The more I thought back, the more I realized that I did have crushes on guys, I just saw their movies or made them best friends. My life was kind of turning into a new light in my head.
If I am gay I have always been, so if I decide to pursue this lifestyle I don’t really have to say anything. I don’t really have to “come out” like my friend Michael did, which was a huge ordeal to our school. For me, I felt like if I did have to let people know… well I didn’t really know what would happen. I’m friends with almost every girl in the school, which is a sure sign already that I’m gay, but what jock would dare call me a fag when their cheerleader girlfriend has me on their A-list of best friends? Plus, it may not even matter, if Brandon doesn’t work out I will find a nice, hot girl and straighten this whole thing out.
We didn’t talk most of the walk, but walked in silence which was nice and comforting. I don’t think he noticed that my mind was racing over a million miles an hour. It was a beautiful September night and the air was cool with the summer and the impending fall.
Heading back to the movie theatre Brandon asked, “So are you having fun so far?”
“Ya, of course, you are really fun to hang out with.”
“So are you, I’m really glad you gave me your number.” He paused, I could tell he wanted to say something but was thinking twice, but without fear he said, “By the way, about that. What was the deal with the girl giving me her number?”
“Oh that’s a long story.”
“You have until we get to the movie theatre to tell me, that’s like a whole five minutes. Cliff note it if you have to.”
“Well we didn’t know if you were gay or not and I’m not… let’s say used to putting myself out there to ask out a guy.” I bent the truth a little bit.
“Oh,” He said with surprise, which I didn’t understand why. “Because you are the one that is usually asked out?”
“No, not necessarily.”
“Because I thought the whole thing was really cute or some odd way of asking me out. You didn’t happen to read her piece of paper did you?”
“No, she just wrote down her number. We were going to see which one of us you called.”
“And if I called her?” He asked skeptically
“She probably would have turned you down. Not that you aren’t cute. She even thought so. But, she is from Finland and is only here this year, so actually maybe she would have gone out with you. But, I’m pretty sure she knew I was gay.”
“She did! But… But how?!” I said as we neared the theatres and our own plot thickened, a little twist in the story ahead. I could feel the tension, like I was the audience. Fact remains I was a single person and I wanted an answer and wasn’t going to enter that theatre without one. I felt tricked by Ainikki.
“Well her paper said ‘Call him, he thinks you are cute.”
“Oh that little bitch.” I said actually laughing. I was going to kill her, but also I wanted to thank her in a way because I was having a great time. “She tricked me.”
“You could look at it that way or look at it as she is a friend that gave me a little hint instead of letting you trick me.” He flipped the whole situation back on me.
“Heh, well it all worked out.”
“I’ll say.” He said with a smile and opened the door to the theatre for me, putting his hand on the small of my back making me tingle a little and form a smile that he couldn’t see.
Inside the movie theatre time passed. I couldn’t concentrate on the movie; all I could concentrate on was his hand upon his knee just begging to be held. I was nervous though and didn’t understand why I wanted to. Was it just to have the experience or did I have the feelings for him necessary to want to hold his hand? Before I knew it he reached over and grabbed my hand. My mind went blank as he looked over and smiled as I intertwined my fingers with his and he looked back at the screen.
I have no idea what the hell happened in the movie. All I know was my mind was blank and I had soft butterflies in my stomach, not those Terydactles with jackhammers like before. I was calm and enjoyed it. Even if it was just for tonight… I enjoyed it.
He sang on the way home. Gave me a hug goodnight and walked a few steps away. I stared at him, wondering and soaking in the moment… this brand new moment, this night of chances that I took that turned out to be, well, more than okay.
He turned. “Want to do this again sometime?”
I blushed. “Ya, I would like that.” We both smiled and looked at each other for a minute. I was at a loss for words. I didn’t know what to say after a genuine date. For me it felt like the only one. For him, who knows how many guys’ hands he had held and he had no idea the flourish of emotions that welled up inside me at my first intimate touch with a guy.
“Well, goodnight Preston.”
“Goodnight Brandon.”
I drove home happy, past my curfew but I didn’t care. I felt like I had escaped the entire world for a night. Nobody knew what happened except for us and whoever he told. As far as anyone I told was concerned I had an amazing date with Britney and we were going to go out again. Hopefully soon I thought.
I rolled down the window and let the cool air blow in, tousling my hair. I put my hand out the window and let the high speed winds rush thru it, much like my feelings did tonight. I was happy.
It just goes to show that you never know what life is going to throw at you, or how you are going to change over the smallest things. Moments may seem insignificant at the time, yet they hold immeasurable power to change the course of your life in its entirety. Tonight I embraced a change that scared me and granted myself the opportunity to open up to something that was very scary to me. I look back on all the times that I could have bailed out on a situation but didn’t. What if I had? Who would I be today? My mind contemplated simple thoughts while I started to drift of, content with the day’s events.
